Ten Reasons Why We Should Support Barack Obama

1. He wants closer relations with Cuba. Why not? We all need a nice, new place to vacation. Cuban rum and cigars...yes. Classic cars are cool too. Maybe we can see where Fidel is mummified like Lenin.

2. He wants to redistribute wealth. More jobs will be created at printing firms that print "Honk if I'm paying your mortgage" bumper stickers.

3. He wants closer relations with Iran. What's wrong with a few nukes tossed at Israel? Its too crowded anyway. We're helping with our goal of spreading our wealth around by giving $900 million to Hezbollah in Gaza to rebuild. Look at all the money Iran will save by our generous donation.

4. He wants nationalized health care. We can join our European socialist allies in their long waits for health care. After all, people with jobs lost have nothing else to do but wait in their spare time. Why should our own physicians be burdened in choosing what medications and treatments we receive when a person with a history degree or drama degree and newly hired by the government can do it for them? After all, this program will create a lot of government jobs and help Obama's goal of lower unemployment. Currently, those on Medicare create a drain on the government. Eskimos used to put their elderly outside in the winter to hasten their departure. Under Obama's plan, the government will do this for us.

5. He wants closer relations with North Korea. Astronomers and scientists everywhere are in favor of this. Currently, for a good telescope view of the universe, we must depend on telescopes in space, like the Hubble. Why go to all that expense. We can use this diplomatic breakthrough by simply putting big telescopes in the worker's paradise of North Korea. Since there is no industry in North Korea, there's no smog to blur our celestial view. There are only three light bulbs that light up all of North Korea at night, so there will be no ambient light to interfere either.

6. Obama's bill, called the Global Poverty Act, can be revived. Obama as a Senator said is the type of legislation, "We can – and must – make … a priority," Its designed to force American Presidents to cut world poverty by 50% by 2015. Of course, Obama wouldn't have to be forced, since its his idea. Its only another $850 billion more of our dollars. What's another almost trillion here or there?

7. Gun Control. Surely, all criminals will gleefully give up their guns under Obama.

8. Who needs a 401k anyway? Just buy a boat instead and christen it "401 Kay." Its lots more fun.

9. Undocumented Aliens will get a boost from the stimulus package. They could get as many as 300,000 new jobs under Obama. The computerized e-verify immigration status check program provision to see if they have valid Social Security numbers has been killed by Congress. This will save electricity and help end global warming. We need those people to build our buildings, and we pay them less. They don't speak English, and they don't complain. They will be good Obama voters.

10. Obama's economic plan will create more leisure time. Without the stress of having to work, or pay bills, people will have more time to surf government sites to find out how they can monetarily benefit from the Obama stimulus plan.

11. Bonus Reason. He knows how to run our lives, pay our bills, raise and educate our kids, and protect us and our families better than we do.

Please feel free to add to this list.